Envelope / Develope

  Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash Coming from a communist country I was always circumspect of people who were smiling all the time.  Life is hard and how can you be so radiant, how come events and people and years of living have been giving you that wide smile you brandish like in advertisements? Smiling was a proclamation of happiness in a regime known for oppressing and regimenting people in an universal mold. Laughing was questionable and at a certain point viewed as an act of opposition, underground fight. Then you read on many studies about the benefice of just "faking-till-you-making" - physiology winning over your mind and creating an overall well-being state. I was told by my mother that I was a curious kid, whenever it happened to be among people, looking intensely and scanning their gestures, talks and faces. I was probably absorbing life in its manifestation, interested to see how we interact, how we react, looking for fragments of life in people's fac...

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash It probably happened to you, when getting in a place where you have this uncomfortable feeling you don't belong to, all things are not common to your life and people have the easiness which seemed cultivated to you. Joining a group or conversation and, poof (as my daughter says) someone is bludgeoning you with a question which splits the audience in two: - Have you read ... (and put here the title of a book in the top of the lists from a prestigious newspaper)? The polite answer would be to tell the truth, listen to a glorious summary of the book, or to bend the truth and play noob. Many times, although, when I have the feeling that people are just flashing their "cultivated" image, I want to pull them in a "social bloody" embarrassment by luring them in the waters they might not comfortable with. My strategy is to pick on the display of the ideas in the book and then pull together references from  other books and ...

Photo by Mariah Ashby on Unsplash Last night, 24th of December 2019, we came home from a party with friends. My daughter was excited to see the presents received from Santa and rushed, after she entered our home, to discover the gifts. She paused a little and then stopped looking at a stack of wrapped boxes placed under the Christmas tree. Suddenly she started to cry. "There are just a few presents for me. What did I do wrong, daddy?" She was sobbing and I was a little flabbergasted; my effort to buy some interesting presents for her (some of them failed to be delivered but were still bought but not under the tree, due to unforeseen circumstances) seems to be dashed from a simple glance to a pile of boxes. She was expecting a deluge of boxes under the tree and the five/six wrapped boxes were not enough to fill-up her expectations. I just sat down in a chair and was chewing my kid's ungratefulness. She unwrapped one of the presents and discovered was a piano b...

Milan, 15 August 2019, day 2 A full day in Milan was scheduled for visiting Il Duomo, Castello Sforzesco and the Last Supper. I booked the tickets from Toronto and the first visit was scheduled for 8 am. I fumbled with the metro directions and we were there at 8:20 based on my watch. The whole plaza was empty and the cathedral was close. Then I realized I didn't change the time from Romania (one hour in advance) and started to take pictures of the plaza and of the nearby market - Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. Emma was sleepy and I promised her that after visiting the dome we will find something to eat.Il Duomo has the cornucopia of the same personages and themes of the church. I was impressed with the large stained glasses, the navel raised on long columns with human sculptures at the top. Were they real personages in life or fictional characters?   Walking the church, in the insets in the wall, a few sculptures impressed me - three black marble characters, one man and two wo...

Mes projets de voyage ne se font pas du jour au lendemain, simplement parce que je veux me détendre ou décompresser. La plupart du temps, je vois des endroits dans des documentaires ou des films ou je lis à leur sujet, puis je commence à dessiner un plan. Quand une graine est plantée, je récupère des informations et j'essaie de comprendre s'il ne reste plus que mon impulsion à me rendre sur place: si elles ont des endroits incroyables à photographier ou des paysages aux caractéristiques uniques, mieux c'est. Aujourd'hui, je dévoilerai mon plan de visite en Corse. Je suis un grand fan de TV5, la chaîne de télévision française qui au fil des ans m'a présenté de nombreux endroits incroyables à travers leurs documentaires: Thalassa, Des racines et des ailes, Passez moi les jumelles. Dans l'un des documentaires, une jeune guide ( Magali Vermeglio ) a été filmée lors d'une randonnée au GR20 et à la beauté du paysage et à la rugosité des sommets moi a commenc...

Writing as breathing Or Thoughts dumping Or Free wheeling writing The whole concept of starting by listening to your breathing and then leaving your mind to spit out thoughts and ideas and images and hidden wishes and dreams and memories and people as characters and   ... is nauseating. The implicit statement is that you can be able to do it, like everyone was born a writer or trained to release the mind valve and put words out from the inner life. Are we all capable of that? What is the purpose, just leave it out in the open? How do you make use of it by reading it? It is like an expectoration of thoughts and then who is able to inspect it (to be captured by the words or the tempo or the images). I started "back in the game" just to anchor feelings and raw emotions, just to freeze them on paper and analyze them as (maybe) deeper/unknown desires I cannot manage to unearth just by thinking of. It is harmless for any reader or third person. The words may resonate ...

People are loathing complainers. They are everywhere, life was harsh, when they were vulnerable other took advantage of them. The system is against them or simple events were not aligned with their life plans. There are not many who can run around unexpected events and take the blows and turn them around. How do you vent out if not complaining? Ask for advice, present your facts and leave others the judgement. One of the impulses we have is to categorize and jump on analyzing. What if you leave time between event and your reaction, especially an emotional one. Time is dampening the immediate response and emotions are not resisting erosion. It is very simple to pull arguments in favor of your view (bias oriented). You will never build an argument against your status-quo or the comfort of your views. Contradictions, opposite views are not laying good with our psyche. A person you respect and look to advice for might give another weight and perspective to your personal events. A ment...

I thought it will be cathartic to write and anchor in time my feelings, rages, surprises or laughters. The group I just joined was like a door opened at the last minute "are you interested to listen to other's people self healing writings?". I was not healing, just venting and, as always, becoming pictorial in my writings. I did not realize how deep and long the pain can be for some people around us. It was like a project started when you are 20s and still unfinished in your 50s. I felt ultimately ashamed and insignificant in my turmoil just hearing someone reading "this is round ten of the ripping apart feeling happening between us". There were deep, deep scars. Those issues had histories, days, nights and long discussions between people. Daily scratches becoming wounds and changing the life of (mostly two) people. Couples trying to change each other or one of them promising they will change. The trajectory of their problem looked convoluted and the evol...

Can say with assurance that the subject of my failed short relationship (mostly imaginary) is coming to an end with this last post. I turned it on many facets, analyzed it for my futile understanding, built explanations for deciphering meaning, but the emotional bleeding is becoming dry. Life goes on and I wish everyone, no matter what role they played in it, to move on, to enjoy life. There are a few more posts that were written in the last few days but they will probably not be published. You got  the gist of what happened, a few more theories are an over-extended tired saga. It was one of my mistakes , of many that will come, that slowly will make me re-adjust, re-think and look at life in a different light. Although not old, I am at an age when some things are no longer possible, others become available, where I have roots or connections that are hard to change, they are imprinted in my brain. More roots had unexpectedly grown and is where I redirected some energy, lately. I...

I was scanning the room to see the reasons people are coming here, to this group. It was a first for me to share the writing and hear others reading their thoughts. Do they need advice, look for ideas or simple want  a real connection with themselves. How important is the writing for yourself? Yes, we are the pawns in the grand scheme of things and want to believe we are more than sand in the world. Dreaming of love and partners and kids loving you back and reciprocal feelings. In any relationship it seems to be a taker and a giver and the texts read tonight are expressing it clearly. Nothing new to dream and aspire and interpret the life through writing. Is the healing involved? I think that crystallizing the moment is one of my goals and revisiting and remembering emotions are on the second plan of my intentions. I hope to come back and from the raw writing to come with a general idea for myself or others, like, don't flow with the anger, understand it and then try to find i...