Envelope / Develope

Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash You probably heard that swimming in rough waters in life will reveal your own character and of all the people with you, caught in that moment. It is always unexpected and, exactly as in movies, it begins with a peaceful background and a monotone sound. Everything is unfolding slowly and without any clues that deep gaps will be revealed in any way. It is like a crack in someone's emotional fabric which becomes a wrecking ball for the characters caught in the event, for a short time span, sufficient to project them on a different life orbit, for good. Some people are calling those events "interventions", others fear them as "dark spots" where secrets are emerging as an iceberg unbalanced by some life event. The repercussions are deep and memorable and entail subsequent turmoils, like a burning lava which will flow down for many days to find a peaceful landscape to cool off. The characters are the same like in normal life ...

" De aia nu strică să mai citești, din când în când, o carte. Măcar atunci când rămâi fără nimic, să ai la ce te gândi, ca să nu te simți singur." Este un citat din " Despre cei care bravează cu studiile dar nu citesc ". Photo by David Iskander on Unsplash M-a frapat textul pentru ca am avut acceasi impresie despre o multime de oameni care sunt "educati" dar nu sunt "cultivati". Sau despre oamenii care ajung intr-o pozitie vizibila social dar care sunt penibili sa exprime sau sa transmita o idee. Un alt titlu pentru post ar putea fi - "ai pierdut o viata interioara/paralela cind nu ai citit carti". Nu cred ca am vreun motiv sa justific de ce citesc carti, dar se pare ca exista o lipsa de intelegere de ce cartile sunt total diferite de ce citesti pe internet. Si spun asta dupa ce am incercat sa inteleg de ce o multime din oamenii din jurul meu imi spune ca nu are timp sa citeasca. Eu sunt total socat cind aud asta. Nu...

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash If I ask my friends who are married, why should you date, the answer is mostly "you don't want to be alone". All other reasons they got together in the first place, are almost forgotten. The loneliness reason is a cinematographic scenario which plays in my head with a few variations. I imagine the daily routine when you are coming back from work and open the door of your home and nobody is there. It's like entering a deserted town, you being the only inhabitant. The door is the threshold between social and loneliness, you wave on crossing it, with life subduing its noise, far away. you warm up your meal and there is only one plate on the table. Maybe that is the only plate ever used in the house. Sometimes is the frozen, cardboard wrap hanging around somewhere like an abstract animal sacrificed in the ritual called "dinner". you feed your pet (dog, cat, fish...) and then pause to remember what is next, lik...

After a memorable drive to reach Col du Prato, I was looking for a board sign telling me the starting point for one of the nice peaks of Corsica. There are in fact two starting points: one is a parking lot before the small village, on the right side, bordering a sheep ground. There is a path crossing the sheep ground and joining a gravel road. The real path starts across the church, besides a restaurant. It is marked with an orange band. Following the road, pay close attention because it splits at some point and you have to follow the right side. I followed the left side and managed to wander for 3 kilometers before correcting my mistake. The good part of the hike has a slow slope and is mostly through a forest, keeping you a cool temperature and shade. You may encounter cows or pigs or goats or sheep herds. It is not a strenuous hike with the exception of the last 30 minutes. Pay attention to the orange band, the path is well marked. Although we passed close to a few streams (...

Milan, 15 August 2019, day 2 A full day in Milan was scheduled for visiting Il Duomo, Castello Sforzesco and the Last Supper. I booked the tickets from Toronto and the first visit was scheduled for 8 am. I fumbled with the metro directions and we were there at 8:20 based on my watch. The whole plaza was empty and the cathedral was close. Then I realized I didn't change the time from Romania (one hour in advance) and started to take pictures of the plaza and of the nearby market - Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. Emma was sleepy and I promised her that after visiting the dome we will find something to eat.Il Duomo has the cornucopia of the same personages and themes of the church. I was impressed with the large stained glasses, the navel raised on long columns with human sculptures at the top. Were they real personages in life or fictional characters?   Walking the church, in the insets in the wall, a few sculptures impressed me - three black marble characters, one man and two wo...

Writing as breathing Or Thoughts dumping Or Free wheeling writing The whole concept of starting by listening to your breathing and then leaving your mind to spit out thoughts and ideas and images and hidden wishes and dreams and memories and people as characters and   ... is nauseating. The implicit statement is that you can be able to do it, like everyone was born a writer or trained to release the mind valve and put words out from the inner life. Are we all capable of that? What is the purpose, just leave it out in the open? How do you make use of it by reading it? It is like an expectoration of thoughts and then who is able to inspect it (to be captured by the words or the tempo or the images). I started "back in the game" just to anchor feelings and raw emotions, just to freeze them on paper and analyze them as (maybe) deeper/unknown desires I cannot manage to unearth just by thinking of. It is harmless for any reader or third person. The words may resonate ...

I was scanning the room to see the reasons people are coming here, to this group. It was a first for me to share the writing and hear others reading their thoughts. Do they need advice, look for ideas or simple want  a real connection with themselves. How important is the writing for yourself? Yes, we are the pawns in the grand scheme of things and want to believe we are more than sand in the world. Dreaming of love and partners and kids loving you back and reciprocal feelings. In any relationship it seems to be a taker and a giver and the texts read tonight are expressing it clearly. Nothing new to dream and aspire and interpret the life through writing. Is the healing involved? I think that crystallizing the moment is one of my goals and revisiting and remembering emotions are on the second plan of my intentions. I hope to come back and from the raw writing to come with a general idea for myself or others, like, don't flow with the anger, understand it and then try to find i...

Imaginary relationship Or The life of words Or Parallel living It is so much interesting that a relationship can evolve on words only. We haven't experienced nothing together but had a few hours of conversations, where we just asked and shared and bantered and flirted. Everything exchanged was in our minds. And suddenly we see each other closer, more connected than before. Everything changed only in our minds. Our lifes are still separated by 500km, we cannot lean on each other, we cannot touch, we cannot count on any help but there is this intimacy build on words. We are bolder, freer, more open to ask, empathize and reveal ourselves. I understand the voice, intonation, gaze and body language is adding or polluting the conversation.   We are stuck in this state without any possibility to advance, in the near future. How long can we survive in this state? It is not natural, it is not healthy and it does not add veracity to the relationship. The wizardry of words has no currenc...

Photo by sarandy westfall on Unsplash   It might be that we will have a short time-span together for undiscovered/undisclosed to the other reasons. I wasn't compatible with all my long term relationships 100%, but the common ratio was enough to color our life and have incredible memories. I cringe to my youth mistakes and I will slap the 30 years old I was, but at the time nobody was around to teach me the importance of relationships, empathy, really having time for my partner. And maybe shared has a different meaning for each of us. Do you think you opened a little bit more than usual you, by responding to my posts? I put everything on paper because life drove me through places, inside and outside me. I am freer because life is fragile and short and living under a shell is not worth it. We have a short life span to leave a mark around people we care about.    It might be as well that these texts to be the only ones left between us, who knows, but the most unforgi...

I always tried to take the good part from everything that happened to me: life events, encounters with people, traits of people, unexpected circumstances. I was aware that in some conditions the dark sides of anyone can get out and spoil your day. You may confront them, fight against the current but in the end if they cannot master the evil parts by themselves is hard to counter-balance the turn of events.There is no rationale in their behavior, most of the time is an ingrained believe, preconceived ideas reinforced by biased judgement, mixed with anger. Even assisting as a spectator to the dark side exhibition leaves you tarred and puzzled. It happened with my uncle, a smart military officer whose life was consumed by alcohol, with some relatives when certain events where unfolding (family reunions) and the list can continue. You cannot avoid people because of the dark corners of their life but you can dance around them to not provoke the daemons. The whole problem is to be ...

Adriana and I were joking about me moving to Michigan and finding a partner there. As a software engineer I can work from anywhere. After a few questions about my priorities, I enumerated some of the required criteria about a third person in my life:   "Adriana, we are an active family. I play tennis, ride road bikes, swim and in the winter skiing is the past time. I don't have TV, books are important and education is a major priority for me. Any woman in my life has to be pre-approved by Emma, wholeheartedly, with enthusiasm."    I have a lot of mini hobbies and I enjoy spending time on them: - reading - hiking - photography - cooking (by necessity) - wine making - growing a garden - writing on the side - and quiet time.    The must have qualities, for a woman, from my point of view: - smart  - presentable - enjoying a hike - independent (I want my free time) - enjoying a book - enjoying adventure and ad-hoc decisions - good parent w...

In one of my technical wanderings I stumped on Paul Graham's " Life is short " essay. The real title should be "eliminate waste and bullshit from your life", which happens to be one of my rummages for a while. It so happens to look at my interactions with other people and introduce in them a third person (me, as an observer to my interaction), then or later and ponder at the time what is bringing me the whole discussion with them, is any joy of having time around them? Sadly for some of my social interactions there is still a lot of waste and technical verbosity which does not fulfill my goal for authenticity and meaningful conversation. Unfortunately some of my conversant counter-parts are totally unaware of the deep habits they are living their life, or the mental representations we are rounding whenever we talk. The same blurbs are starting well in advance, you have heard them several times. It might be as well my not-confrontational style, to not cut the bu...

Dating around fifties I met this surprising middle age single woman. In incredible shape, independent and recently grand mother. And it blew me away. I wanted to hug her, just to feel the pulse, the vital force pushing a single mom to look as she looked, warm, smiling and not bitching about her life. It is rare not to blame life or people around you for your failures. When you survive life's blows and come back smiling you have me in your corner!! For some inexplicable reason all my personal achievements diminished and were dwarfed by her accomplishments. And I am a widowed dad, and everybody says I am doing an incredible job, proud of my little girl and of our efforts to live a meaningful life - whatever that means for us. But her questions are giving me pause, sometimes. Recently Emma, my daughter, came back from school with a sad face saying "we are the only ones without a normal family" and suddenly the onus was on me - why can't I find a...

Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash    Hey Marci, Just to rephrase you, I cannot say exactly where are you in my book but definitely in the 5 nines based on BMI and how you look. But these factors may not be on my conscious criteria when I meet women. For sure I don't meet women who cannot enjoy an outdoor activity - and people around me know that - and not having the BMI within acceptable norms. Even then, sometimes the spell bursts when they open their mouth.  I half-jokingly accepted Adriana's challenge to see other women in US just because my sieving rate is quite high. More so, I don't actively do it (maybe I should?), I let things/life unfold. What I can definitely say is that you impressed me and it is not happening frequently (maybe because I am a Sagittarius). And even in those rare cases my rationale/analytical mind constructs hypotheses why I should turn around and keep looking, which I did after our first encounter - and the dist...

You stop and look back, in time.  I have this image in mind, where the portrait of a person is taken when she is half-turning her body towards the camera. It seems like her life is going forward and the portrait is just a step-back in time, literally. It froze that moment, where the spirit is paused but the life continues without you really participating. It is not my contraption, is a signature of many ads and commercials, but the significance seemed fit for my post. Do you have doubts about your life, about your decisions which were not yours, in reality? The agency problem came back to me when my daughter announced she is making her own choices, from now on. She's six. Tough to argue! When was the worst case of day-dreaming in your career, what was the decision made out of fear or just inertia pushed you in? How did you escape, do you (now) recognize the pause in the brain waves and do you jump in a repetitive mechanics of your body, just to get rid of the obsessive feeling...