Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
Any major change in your life has the "now" perspective: it affects you, it draws your emotion high and flashes of feelings are just running wild through your mind. Suddenly the life becomes like a "tunnel-vision" experiment and you pulse with a heightened intensity. Especially the life/death events or sentimental affairs have a "in-your-face" urgency. It happened to me several times, one quite recently.
What I learned over time, in order to not be paralyzed or run away, is to add the "third-person-view": to recognize I am not the only human being hit by the major upheavals, shaken at my core. I learnt that I can go through, I need the calm to find a solution, I can survive and more importantly there are some people around me that need me more than being a victim and complainer. The light in my tunnel vision situation was that you can pass through, it is just a phase in reaching another plateau, another perspective.
In all the noise and explanations and emotions I see myself pausing and asking "what is it for", the whole turmoil and whirl around people, events and searching for meaning in my life.
There is no meaning to all that, no matter how hard I want to wire the events to my life, my feelings, my personal life.
I chose to be vulnerable, to open up and, potentially, be disappointed or even crushed.Nobody asked me to do it, I am not blaming anybody. It could have been different, taking a long time to open up to life, people, what is happening around me. Blaming, finding explanations, steaming off feelings, spitting words is just part of the cooling off, for me.
I chose to live like this, without guarding my feelings, sharing and feeling the potential, when some conditions were leading to that. It did not work out, this time, but with luck and more strategy it may lead to longer ecstasies in the future.
You can go, I am happy for meeting you, no matter what were the reasons you stopped the adventure of knowing each other.
It twisted my ego, broke my quotidian life and led to many feelings not known for a long time. It is more than I had before meeting you. For a passenger adventure is more than I can ask for. I wanted more but I am grateful for what I have left. You stopped it and my imagination had a screeching pull-back, like a dog-hound stopped by the hunting horns. Evidently I wanted more, and the fall was fabulously reach in pieces and anger and emotions and raw writings. The scars are fondly remembered no matter how gory and surreal was the ending, because I was falling all open.
The life after the feelings are running high is the prize, when the emotion glasses are coming off and reality creeps in. How can you remember that part without having the glorious beginning? Glorious because there are unearthed currents running through your system, electric neural shocks you could not even imagined. You are running on high voltage, mostly blindly, but in a state of high feverish expectations.
That is what I will remember, the beginning.
I can analyze the disintegration of our relationship or the breaking apart, the pauses and coldness in talking, the fear you feel when the other is not responding with the same intensity. If you wanted to be open, probably we could have weathered the rough patches but the easiest response for you was to withdraw and start digging the exit. When there is no future envisioned with the other person, the first leaving has the easiest task. He/she has an emotional retreat to "deserve" it, and is no longer attracted by the old feelings/responses received.
That is emotional difference in two people parting: one has the time advantage to extract and build the "recovery" in time, the other has to put together life like after an earthquake.
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